Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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