I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
