it was like his penis was on wheels.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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