so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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