They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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