I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
