It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
