mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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