Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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