booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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