the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
