Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You don't make any sense
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