I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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