I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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