Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just pee around me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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