I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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