I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
