the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize