There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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