mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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