jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
