i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
