There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
