I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
