I faked an abortion last night.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
