Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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