Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
