i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
