i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
