My nipple is on Facebook.
just tell him i said nine months
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
