She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize