its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
