Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
