I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
