I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
