My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
