dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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