just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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