im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
