dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
