I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
