my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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