I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
