i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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