sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
