I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish you could order shots online.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
