"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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