i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
