I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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