You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
