Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
