I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
