life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
