So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Randomize