mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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