dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
