Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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