i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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