Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
