There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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